There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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