I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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