he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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