I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
