Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
