My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
