It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
