Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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