I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
and she was petting her beer can
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
