Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
