what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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