i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Green mimosas i think yes
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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