did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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