The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize