I just pynch a tree in the face
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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