You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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