Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's Friday. Sex?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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