How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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