New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
