I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize