I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
