The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize