woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
