I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
