you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
