I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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