she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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