Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
