I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
