so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
