You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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