She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
