i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
