dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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