Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
