I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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