dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
