theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
