it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
