he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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