I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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