I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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