My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
