my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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