i think my mom watched the whole time
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
