They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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