Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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