I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
