i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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