in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Fuck me I smell like cheese
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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