If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize