My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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