ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
