They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
