just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
